Wife

Arivukanru's Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear & comes out of the other.

Mr. Arivukanru: You tell a woman something, it goes in both ears & comes out of the mouth.
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Kutty to Arivukanru: Your friend is kissing your wife in your home.

Arivukanru rushed home angrily.

After half an hour, he came back and slapped Kutty.

Arivukanru said: You fool, he is not my friend.
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Arivukanru wife goes to police station.

Arivukanru Wife: My husband went to the market yesterday to bring potatoes. He has not returned home yet.

Inspector (kutty): Why don't you cook something else?
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Arivukanru's Quote:

Short cut to success:

"Behind every successful Man, there is a WOMAN...

So, don't waste time in your studies...
just find a woman..."

facebook jokes

"There's a new iPhone app that lets you call your Facebook friends from your phone."
Arivukanru replied:
Of course, I only got on Facebook so I wouldn't have to call these people."

Funny facebook status

Arivukanru says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
****************************************************************************************************************
I tried to log on to Facebook. It said, “Cookies are required to operate.” I thought to myself, “Me too, Facebook. Me too.”

The Last Criteria

Arivukanru and Kutty both bought one horse each.
They wanted to make sure that they feed their own horse each morning. So Arivukanru asked, “how will we know which is your and which is mine?”

Kutty said “its easy I will cut mine’s tail and yours will be the one with tail”.
Some boys outside heard it and cut the tail of other horse too.

So the next morning confusion arose even more. Arivukanru said, “don’t worry, I”ll tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the one without the bell”.
The boys heard this too so they cut the bell.
The next day, Arivukanru got frustrated and said, “OKAY!!! now the last criteria will be that:
White Horse will be yours and Black Horse will be mine”.

Arivukanru bank loan

Arivukanru walks into a bank in Chennai City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow Rs.5,00,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys of his latest BMW car parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the BMW car into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the Rs. 5,00,000 and the interest, which comes to 500. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow Rs.5,00,000?"

Arivukanru replied, "Where else in Chennai can I park my BMW car for two weeks for 500 rupees?"

With Bill gates

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for
Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room.
One candidate is our Arivukanru

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming.
Those who do not know JAVA may leave.

2000 people leave the room.
Arivukanru says to himself,
'I do not know who is JAVA, but I have
nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try !'

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more
than 100 people may leave.


2000 people leave the room.

Arivukanru says to himself
'I never managed anybody by
myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay. Risk edukkaruthu Rusk
sapidaramathiri !' So he stays.


Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may
leave.

500 people leave the room.
Arivukanru says to himself,
'I left school at 15, but what
have I got to lose ? Evvalavo pannitom Etha pannna mattoma?' So he stays in
the room.

Lastly,
Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat
to leave.

498 people leave the room.
Arivukanru says to himself,
'I do not speak one word of
Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose ?' So he stays
and finds himself with one other candidate; Everyone else
has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said
'Apparently you are the only
two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to
hear you have a conversation together in that
language.'
Calmly, Arivukanru turns to the other candidate and says 'endha ooru?'

The other candidate kutty  answers… 'Madurai'

Protocal Mismatch

In interview:

Manager : Do you know JAVA?

ArivuKandru: This is called protocol mismatch. First "JA" - Hindi, meaning is "GO", Second "VA" - Tamil, meaning "COME". These two actions are different can not be implemented simultaneously.

Manager: Good. You know so much in computer. you are appointed...

What is Politics?

A little boy Arivukarnu goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well Arivukanru, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy Arivukanru goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy Arivukanru says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy Arivukanru replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Really Arivukanru

What does Arivukanru do after taking photocopies?
He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.
...............................................................................................................................

What does Arivukanru do when he has one white sheet and wants an extra
sheet?
He makes a photocopy of the white sheet.
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How Does a Arivukanru Cheat the Railways?? He buys the ticket but doesn't travel !!!!!!!!

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How can you tell when Arivukanru sends you a fax?

It has a stamp on it.

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Why can't Arivukanru dial 911? 
He can't find the 11 on the phone!

Funny Arivukanru

Arivukanru and kutty went into a pub and after ordering two
drinks took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them.
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner.
So Arivukanru and kutty exchanged their sandwiches.
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Arivukanru standing below a tube light with a open
mouth.................
WHY?

because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should
be light".
.........................................................................................................................................................

Arivukanru is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

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Arivukanru praising his son who is a Civil engineer, who just laid a road near his house. "Wow! This is terrific! Look at the job he has done! The distance from my house to the railway station is the same as the railway station to my house!!!!!!!!"

No driver

Kutty and Arivukanru landed up in Mumbai. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Kutty somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Arivukanru got pushed to the top.

After a while when the rush was over, Kutty went upstairs to see friend Arivukanru.
He met Arivukanru in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.

He says, “Arre Arivukanru ! What the hell going on? Why are you so scared?
I was enjoying my ride down there?
Scared Arivukanru replies, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver.”

Ladder

Arivukanru is in Delhi. He is walking on a street, which has clock tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Arivukaru says “Yes”.
“Give me a thousand rupees and I’ll go get a ladder”.

The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Arivukanru figured he was taken for a ride.
On the next day, the Arivukanru is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock,
“Give me a thousand rupees and I’ll go get a ladder.”
Arivukanru gives him the thousand and says, “I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I’ll go get a ladder.”

Arivukanru forgets

Kutty and Arivukanru are two friends and kutty has a very good job.

Arivukanru is jobless and one day asks Kutty to help him get some good Job.

Kutty says, “OK, next time we will apply together.” and they do.

On interview day, kutty says, “First I will go inside and answer all questions except the last one, and after coming out, I will give you all the answers and questions. Then you go in and answer everything and You will get the Job.”

So, kutty goes in.

EMPLOYER: When did we get independence?

Kutty: Efforts started in 1857, but we got freedom in 1947.

EMPLOYER: Good. Who is our CM?

Kutty: It changes daily and these days its karunanithi.

EMPLOYER: OK. What’s India’s population?

Kutty: (He was not to reply the last one so he says) Good Question, Research is going on, and when I know, I will tell
you, Sir.

Now he comes out and tells the questions and answers to Arivukanru.

Arivukanru remembers all answers and forgets the questions. He goes in now.

EMPLOYER: When were you born?

Arivukanru: Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947.

EMPLOYER: What? Who is your father?

Arivukanru: It changes daily and these days its karunanithi.

EMPLOYER (Now quite upset): Are you mad Mr. Arivukanru?

Arivukanru: Good Question, Research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you Sir.

Cactus

Once a Hindu, a Muslim and our dear Arivukanru were standing together. An Englishman came up and asked, “hey guys, what is your favorite flowers?”

The Hindu replied, ‘Lotus’
‘Ha, I clean my shit with that!’ the Englishman jeered

The Hindu got angry, the lotus being our national flower

The Muslim replied : “Chameli”
‘Ha I clean my shit with that!’ The Englishman response

The Muslim also got angry but kept quite

The Englishman asked Arivukanru, ‘Arivukanru, and what is your favourite flower?’
Patriotic Arivukanru replied: ‘Cactus! and replied, “now clean your face with it!”

25 minutes

Mrs. Arivukanru was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour.

One day she hung up after 25 minutes….

“What is the matter today? asked her husband. “Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone.”

“I got a wrong number,” replied Mrs. Arivukanru

Older Hutch

One day a dog was running behind Arivukanru… But Arivukanru was laughing.

Kutty asked, “Why you are so happy?

He said : “Ah Ah Ah…I have an Airtel mobile with me…But Still Hutch network is following me.”

Customer Arivukandru

Arivukandru saw a GREAT bargain on newspaper and asked the salesman...
Arivukandru: I want to buy that TV!
Salesman: No, sorry, we don't sell to Arivukandrus...

So, Arivukandru left, kind of upset, but came back the next day with a hat on and a completely different look, he figured that the salesman wouldn't even recognize him!

Arivukandru(dressed as somebody else): Yes sir, I would like to buy that TV!
Salesman (pauses for a second): No sir, I told you yesterday, we don't sell to Arivukandrus!

He was amazed that he was recognized!

Arivukandru: How did you recognize me?
Salesman: Because that's not a TV, it's a microwave...;-)

AK in bus

Conductor: Ticket vangiyacha?
Arivukandru: enga amma sollirkanga busla pogum podhu yaar enna koduthalum vaanga koodathunu...
Conductor: Avlo periya appatakara nee..!??

Interviewer: give me the opposite words.
Arivukandru : ok
Int: Made in India
AK: pallam in Pakistan
Int: Gud... keep it up.
AK: Bad, put it down.
Int: Maxi mum.
AK: Mini dad.
Int: Enough, take ur seat.
AK: Insufficient, give my seat.
Int: Idiot! Take ur seat.
AK: Clever! Give my seat.
Int: I say, you get out.
AK: You didnt say i come in.
Int: I reject you!
AK: You appoint me.
Int: Kadavulae enna kapathu.
AK: Sathanae avana kollu..!!!

What is the time?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices Arivukanru similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to Arivukanru, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you know the time?"

Arivukanru says, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, he locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket,Arivukanru calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to Arivukanru, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" Our Arivukanru holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Arivu in Airport

Arivukandru made a call to airport & asked: How long is the journey frm NEWYORK to CALIFORNIA?
Receptionist: It takes only 30 mins sir.
Arivukandru: ok..then i'll walk....

password

Arivukanru is having computer problems at work, so he calls the IT department. A technician arrives and asks Arivukanru for his password.
“My password is DonaldMickeyMinnieGoofyPlutoHueyDeweyLouieDelhi,” Arivukanru replies.
“Why is it so long?” the technician asks.
“Because,” Arivukanru replies, “I was told it had to be eight characters and one capital.”

torchlight

One evening, after the power failed, a woman whispers romantically to her husband Arivukanru, “Darling, you are the light in my darkness.”
“Yes, honey,” her husband replies.
“That’s because I’m holding the torchlight.”

accident

Arivukanru kutty: Once when I was playing on a road, a speeding bike hit me and I fell down on the earth unconsciously.

Arivukanru: Oh my God! Did you survive that accident or you died.

Arivukanru kutty: I don’t remember exactly, I was only 3 years old at that time.

kiss

A newly wed Arivukanru wife talks to her husband

Arivukanru Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?

Arivukanru: How can I? I don't even know her.

password

Arivukanru kutty Kid calls the Help Desk to complain a computer problem.

Kutty: When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. Whatz the joke?

Help Desk: Dear kid, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person standing behind, he can't read your password.

Kutty: Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me.

empty cup

Arivukanru to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. How wonderful it would be if you serve me coffee free of cost today.

Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. How wonderful it would be if you drink from an empty cup today !!!

wish

Arivukanru's wish :when i die, i wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his
sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..

CHIN YU YAN

Arivukanru visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
Man says CHIN YU YAN n dies.
Arivukanru goes to china to find meaning of friends last words.
It is 'YOU ARE STANDNG ON THE OXYGEN TUBE!" ... »

Stop Her

A Teacher lecturing on population -
In India after Every 10 sec
a woman gives birth to a kid.
Arivukanru kutty stands up- we must find & stop her!.

So slow

Arivukanru was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Arivukanru: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

In the desert

Arivukanru ,a Japanese, and a British were lost in
the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they
had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued
their journey. The Japanese took the radiator, the British took the seat, and
Arivukanru took the door.
After a while of walking the British asked the Japanese "I'm confused, why did
you bring the radiator?" The Japanese responded, "If I get thirsty, can drink
the fluid."
Next the Arivukanru asked the British "Why did you bring the seat?"
So the British said "If I get tired, I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit
on this comfortable seat."
Finally the Japanese asked Arivukanru why he had chosen the door.
Arivukanru quickly responded to this question, "Well, when it gets hot all I
have to do is roll down the window.

Two Horses

Arivukanru and Kutty both bought one horse each.

They wanted to make sure that they feed their own horse each morning. So Arivukanru asked "how will we know which is your

and which is mine?"

Kutty said "its easy I will cut mine's tail, and yours will be the one with tail."

Some boys outside heard it and cut the tail of other horse too.

So the next morning confusion arose even more. Arivukanru said."don't worry, ill tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the

one without the bell."

The boys heard this too so they cut the bell.

The next day, Arivukanru got frustrated and said

"OKAY!! now the last criteria will be that:

WHITE HORSE will be yours and BLACK HORSE will be mine."

Detective job

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective.
One was Arivukanru, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.
When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation.
"The Romans killed him."
The chief thanked him and he left.
When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the Same question.
He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.
Finally Arivukanru arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question.
He thought for a long time, before saying,"Could I have some time to think about it?"
The chief said,"OK, but get back to me tomorrow."
When Arivukanru arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?".
Arivukanru replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

SAND TO PAKISTAN

Arivukanru comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered our arivukanru

Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Arivukanru all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases arivukanru, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the arivukanru's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Arivukanru.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the arivukanru, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Arivukanru doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

Arivukanru, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'