oh.....

Englishman and Arivukanru in a toilet

Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?

Arivukanru: Good evening, we open the zip and do!

Medical terms

For your kind perusal.

Arivukanru applied to a Medical School

- Needless to say he never made it -

Because these are the answers he gave for medical terms.

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - the study of fine paintings

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria

Benign - what you be after you be eight

Bowel - letters like a,e,i,o,u

Caesarian Section - a district in Rome

Cardiology - advanced study of Poker playing

Cat Scan - searching for lost kitty

Chronic - neck of a crow

Coma - punctuation mark

Cortisone - area around local court

Cyst - short for sister

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana

Dislocation - in this place

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans

Enema - not a friend

False Labor - pretending to work

Genes - blue denim

Groin - to mash to a pulp / smile

Hernia - she is close by

Hymen - greeting to several males

Impotent - distinguished / well-known

Labor Pain - hurt at work

Lactose - people without feet

Lymph - walk unsteadily

Menopause - I no wait

Microbes - small dressing gowns

Obesity - City of Obe

Pacemaker - winner of Nobel Peace Prize

Protein - in favor of teens

Pulse - grain

Pus - small cat

Red Blood Count - Dracula

Rupture - Ecstasy

Secretion - hiding anything

Subcutaneous - not cute enough

Suture - Gujrati for "what do you want"

Tablet - small table

Tumor - extra pair

Ultrasound - radical noise

Urine - opposite of you're out

Varicose - very close

Vas Deferens - extremely different

Vein - at what time?

Vitreous Humor - both witty & funny

Smile

Photographer ( Arivukanru) is focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function,
suddenly all dead persons relatives beat him. why? He said "SMILE PLEASE"
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After returning back from a foreign trip, Arivukanru asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Arivukanru: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

Salary

Arivukanru is filling up a job application...........................
He promptly fills in the lines on Name, Age, Addr,& etc.
Then came the column Salary Expected.....................
After much thought he writes: Yes.............................

IN A DRUG STORE

Arivukanru: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Arivukanru: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

Mom dead

Arivukanru: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Arivukanru cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Arivukanru: my sister just called, her mom died too!

IN GRADE SCHOOL

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Arivukanru: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Arivukanru: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

BRAIN TUMOR

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Arivukanru: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Arivukanru: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Arivukanru: Because that proves that I have a brain!

Sunday

This case happened in a hospital’s Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil……..
Just when the Clock struck 11…

And then……

then…..

then……..

Arivukanru, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

Another chance

The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?”

A Arivukanru works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks him, “What is 15 plus 15?”

After 15 or 20 seconds he says, “Eighteen!” Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 Arivukanru's start cheering, “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give him another chance.”

So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, “Ninety?” The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened – the Arivukanru starts crying and the 80,000 men begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance– What is 2 plus 2?”

The man closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?”
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 Arivukanru jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…

“Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

New plans

In light of all the recent news surrounding airline bankruptcies and mergers, you might want to heed these warning signs… issued by our arivukanru

10. They hedged their fuel by buying Rs.5000 in Kutty’s Club Fuel Cards.

9. The new sign in the terminal reads “BYOB” Bring Your Own Blankets.

8. The Flight Attendant asks if she can borrow your iPod touch to plug in to the video unit so they can have an in flight movie.

7. You look into the cockpit and noticed that the pilots are those blow up dummies from the movie “Airplane”.

6. There are Google Ads running on the back of all the seats.

5. Last 5 People Off the Plane Have to Clean Up.

4. In order to pay for extra fuel the dreaded Rs1ooo for every dollars you’re over 200 dollars” tax has been added to all tickets

3. All flights now will offer in air casinos.

2. The stock’s price on the screen says “Close to Zero”.

1. Good News… free drinks. Bad News…… Rs50 for toilets!

science paper

arivukanru 1: “How’s your science paper coming?”

arivukanru 2: “Well, my science professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it’s been very helpful.

arivuknaru 1: “Really?”

arivuknaru 2: “Yes! I’ve already located 17 people who sell them!”

window seat

Arivukanru going to Chennai from Delhi by a air-india plane.He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array.

But as soon as the Arivukanru got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.

After some time the old lady came and requested the Arivukanru to leave the side seat.

But the Arivukanru told, “I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave”.

The old lady then complained to the air hostess .The air hostess requested the Arivukanru to leave that seat but he not leave.

Then the air hostess went and told the asst. captain. He also came and requested, but in vain.

Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the Arivukanru and the arivukanru immediately left the side seat and returned to the middle seat.

Astonished, the air hostess and the asst. captain asked the captain afterwards what he told to the Arivukanru?

Captain told, “nothing… I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chennai and all others will go to Mumbai.”

kutty

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Arivukanru stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “kutty, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Kutty looked up and replied, “Well, Mrs. Arivukanru, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

difference

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Talking clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk arivukanru led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that brass gong for?” asked the friend.

“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk arivukanru replied.

“A talking clock? How’s it work?”

“Watch this,” said the drunk arivukanru. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “Hey, you jerk. It’s 3:00 in the morning!”

stop

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked arivukanru if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied.

“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.

“But I did slow down!” arivukanru argued. The cop shook his head. “You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”

arivukanru started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down – what’s the difference?”

The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”

dark

Arivukanru kutty : Dad, can you write in the dark?
Dad: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Arivukanru kutty: Your name on this report card.

Football

Arivukanru: In my dreams rats play football every night
Doctor: Take this tablet you will be ok.
Arivukanru: Can I take tomorrow? Tonight is final match.
..................................................................................................................................

Teacher: Why are you late, Arivukanru?
Arivunaru: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

funny man

Arivukanru always study in front of a mirror because of 3 reasons:

1. It helps saving revision time.
2. He can keep a watch on himself.
3. He likes combined studies.

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One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Arivukanru: Any great man born in this village?

Arivukanru: no sir, only small Babies!!!

Arivukandru as maths student.!!

Teacher:
Wat is half of 8?
Arivukandru:
If we cut it vertically, we get 3;
And if we cut it horizontally, we get 0.

Propeller

Professor: "What's the purpose of the propeller in an aeroplane?"

Arivukandru: "To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!!

Got struck...

Colleague : Sorry I’m late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. Because of a power failure.

Arivukanru: That’s alright, me too… I got stuck on the escalator for 3Hrs.

How big

Trying to explain to a five-year-old arivukanru how much computers had changed, a father pointed to the brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, arivukanru asked, “How big was the mouse?”

Every where Arivukanru

Railway accident:

Once Arivukanru was asked in an interview “Did you ever meet any Railway accident?



Arivukanru replied: “Yes, once the train was going through a long tunnel I have kissed the father instead of his daughter.”
...........................................................................................................................................................................

Never

Girl: Do you love me?

Arivukanru: Yes Dear!

Girl: Would you die for me ?

Arivukanru: No, mine is Undying Love!

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100 Rupees

Master to Arivukanru: “What will you do with a 100 Rs. lying on the floor? Will you keep it?”

Arivukanru: “No , Of course not.”

Master: Then what will you do with it?

Arivukanru: “I will spend it.”

Ten paise

Arivukanru kutty to his mother “The people next door must be poor.”

Mother said, “Why do you say that?”


Arivukanru kutty replied, “Because they made such a fuss when the baby swallowed a ten paise coin.”

Arivukanru application

Hotel Management gave advertisement for a good cook to recruit.
Arivukanru has sent one application as follows :

“Dear Sir, I am a good cooker. If you appoint me, I am sure I will be able to cook you. When I was working earlier in a hotel I cooked them all.”

Intelligence!!

Arivukandru and his frnd were digging a well on a very hot day. Then the frnd asked, “Why are we down in this hole digging when our boss is up there in the shade of a tree?” “I don’t know,” replied arivukandru, “I’ll go ask him.”

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. “Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standing in the shade?” “Intelligence,” the boss said. “What’s intelligence?” he asked.

The boss said, “I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.” Arivukandru took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’ hand. The boss removed his hand and he hit the tree. The boss said, “That’s intelligence!!”

He went back to his hole. His friend asked, “What’d he say?” “Arivukandru said," we are down here because of intelligence.” “What’s intelligence?” his friend asked. Arivukandru put his hand on his face and said, “Take your shovel and hit my hand.”